Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
🐕🍷