Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*offers Batman cough drops*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.