Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
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My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today