Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.


“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.


“I want to take you home, pull off your jacket, run my hand down your spine and curl up with you on the couch.” — bibliophiles, to books



PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby


[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.


Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.


I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!


If you’re going to call people who aren’t yet born “the unborn” then you have to call people who aren’t yet dead “the undead”


I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.