Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
You Might Also Like
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
jesus christ confetti not now
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”