Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
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Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m on the powerlifting forums, trying to convince everyone that kissing another man before you bench gives you an awesome adrenaline boost.