Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I need this for my side hustle.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.