Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Was it something I said?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Can’t. Being lazy.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.