@Shade510

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

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@Cpin42

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

@Douchekevin

My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@cellapaz

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@marcia_bee

I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it’s going to be impossible.
A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!

@LaqueefaTeen

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

@meghaffer

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

@4owe5i

was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns

@_davidlucas_

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*