@panmidwest: FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? ME: FRIEND: ME: to what?

@SteveHofstetter: Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.

@Vodkantots: If I were really famous, I wouldn't even need body guards. These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.

@pplwtching: You know who else doesn't leave another man's girlfriend alone? Mosquitos

@badbanana: It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.