@Slim_is_Fat: (Watching Liar Liar) Wife: If you couldn't lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married? Me: Until the end of this movie.

@LittleMissAngr1: Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me* Priest: And the bride? Me: *realising my vows weren't supposed to be a list of the shit I won't put up with* um, pass.

@Brianhopecomedy: Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I'm 6th in line for a selfie.

@bonehugsnirony: hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

@dog_feelings: sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers