@Shade510

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

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@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

@darkmatter_wimp

At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.

Win-win.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

@brennadine

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

@Playing_Dad

Me: (sliding a $50 bill in my palm over) What do you say we call it 175 and move on?
Nurse: Sir, just please step on the scale.

@KyleMcDowell86

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

@CynthiaJEllis

News: Ireland has now legalized ecstasy, meth, and mushrooms due to an unexpected legal loophole.
In other news: I have a plane to catch.

@StellaRtwot

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.