Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle


My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon


Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.


[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it’s going to be impossible.
A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!


No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.


I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…


was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns


Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*