Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
why I oughta
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.