Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.