Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
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Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
📽️movie date🎞️
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD