[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.