When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
🤣🤣🤣
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel