Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope
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Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there