“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope
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me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?
Told my British pal I wanted him to take me to pound town.
Well, we are at the dollar store if anyone needs anything.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”