@OctopusCavemann

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]

Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?

Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope

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@Tmoney68

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

@HenpeckedHal

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

@HandyJack420

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

@TragicAllyHere

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

@mjkspeaks

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

@mattZillaaaa

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

@Aikiwomannc

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

@junejuly12

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

@BoxJanes

Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there