@OctopusCavemann

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]

Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?

Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope

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@sexypitabread

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

@joejwest

[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

@PeterKlesken

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

@SincerelyMen

Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

@skwunt

Told my British pal I wanted him to take me to pound town.

Well, we are at the dollar store if anyone needs anything.

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

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