@2Saddington

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

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@Swishergirl24

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

@GrantTanaka

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

@david8hughes

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@batkaren

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

@AristotlesNZ

In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”