Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”