[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
An odd boast
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.