Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
moderator: lol no not even close