@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

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@impaulmccoy

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

@fro_vo

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

@jackiembouvier

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

@TweetsByKaylee

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close