@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

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@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

@rorynotroy

if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy

@Diversion50

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

@YourAnMoron

People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.

@daemonic3

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

@Chumpstring

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

@ManicMouse

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.