Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”
“You never go out”
“Why are you always home?”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.
Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.