[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

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Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?


“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”


How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?


I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.


My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.


Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.


Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us


Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.

Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.