[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*orders delivery*
When you kidnap a writer.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.