[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator