[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If you want my opinion ask my wife