[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.