@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

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@HelloCullen

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

@fuckmarrywill

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

@drhappyknuckles

*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.

@Reverend_Scott

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

@Cravin4

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

@dinnersruined

*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”

@Darlainky

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

@peytnhaag

$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed

@neiltyson

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable