“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.