Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I
Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
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A witch cursed Tom Brady to win football games until he dies. All he wants is a quiet life with his family but every Sunday he blacks out like a werewolf and commits unspoken evils on the field
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Curiosity doesn’t kill anything, stupidity does.
Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.