When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go