@dshack8

Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

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@CanadianPitbull

Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I

@InternetHippo

A witch cursed Tom Brady to win football games until he dies. All he wants is a quiet life with his family but every Sunday he blacks out like a werewolf and commits unspoken evils on the field

@BavlyOlwy

Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

@WookieOnUnicorn

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

@Jenny4ashley

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.