@UncleDuke1969

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

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@TheHyyyype

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

@LizHackett

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

@AskAQueerChick

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

@1Bad_Scientist

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

@Home_Halfway

ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing

ME: Yeah, that’s bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here

@stewnami

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

@andlikelaura

cat: hello please pet me

me: sure *goes to pet*

cat: NOT THERE

me: umm

cat: *points at a 1mm size spot on head* here and here only

me: ok *pets spot*

cat: *swats me*

me: what the hell

cat: i changed my mind

@markleggett

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”