Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
barbara was highly relatable
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years