Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.