Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
i have one speed and it’s mosey
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *