I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
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things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass
things i’ve never picked my teeth with:
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Diet day 4
Husband: Didn’t we have a package of bologna?!
Me: (avoids eye contact)
Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..
Ain’t no sandwiches either.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
This tweet has been brought to you by…
…Stay Free Maxi-pads…
…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.