@DanaSchwartzzz

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

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@SarcasticAlly12

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

@KWalps

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

@English_Channel

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

@mrsauntiepam

Diet day 4

Husband: Didn’t we have a package of bologna?!

Me: (avoids eye contact)

@JohnDuffy21

Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

@Sanbel11

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

@VanVeenB

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

or sandwiches….

Ain’t no sandwiches either.

@TheBoydP

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

@samalmightysam

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.

@pdxjohnny99

This tweet has been brought to you by…

…Stay Free Maxi-pads…

…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.