Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Netflix: We have Less
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why