Always a metermaid never a meter
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust