Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
The news
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.