Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
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The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese