realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Easy enough.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.