Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”