@9GAG

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

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@roostermustache

Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

@Lance_Said_This

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

@Mr_Kapowski

[spooning]

Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”

@scott_towel

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

@apollilaire

hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair

@SirEviscerate

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

@Anon_imosity

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it