@WilliamRodgers

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

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@puppy_eggs

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

@GreenishDuck

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

@Jacksawyerr

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

@MaryKoCo

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

@iantherage

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

@KKAlThani

“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want” – a hilarious waiter taking a Spice Girl’s order

@gingerfaced

Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars.

@fillthevacuum

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*