Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
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10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you