I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*accidentally deletes a tweet*
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!