@WilliamRodgers

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

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@sliver_of

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

@VerbsRProudest

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

@rcromwell4

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

@PatsATweetin

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

@michael_aas

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

@jngraphs

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

@MarfSalvador

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!