Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it


All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.


People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.


If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.


I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still


If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.


“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want” – a hilarious waiter taking a Spice Girl’s order


Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars.


Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*