Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.


I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.


Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.


Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.


My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.


“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.


14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people


me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!