I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.