Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Before you begin, questions?
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can’t do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like “You guys don’t know her very well”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….