“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.