A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
i did the math
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying