My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“You go first.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when