@Manda_like_wine

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

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@brentcetera

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

@grillyjoel

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!

God:

Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.

@Book_Krazy

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

@ClichedOut

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

@roastmalone_

Why do high school reunions still exist? Everything I need to know about who peaked in high school is on social media

@realHamOnWry

Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@OkieGirl405

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids