@Manda_like_wine

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

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@catstronomical

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

@JimmerThatisAll

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

@Browtweaten

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

@torahhorse

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

@katy_fit

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

@MollySneed

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

@ThugRaccoons

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when