Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

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My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.


[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”



“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”



I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.


[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD


Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What


nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing


To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.


Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.


*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*



Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when