SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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God: I need one more rib please
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
God: you’re a unicorn.
Unicorn: lmao corn?
God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.
Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!
Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.
God: [whispers] cancelled.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
SHE WANTS TO DISCUSS HOW COOL PHOEBE IS, RIGHT?!
Why do high school reunions still exist? Everything I need to know about who peaked in high school is on social media
Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids