@Manda_like_wine

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

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@mommajessiec

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

@ChicksRule

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

@AmericanGent69

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

@bornmiserable

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

@DurtMcHurtt

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

@Amusitr0n

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them