Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
6. me as a lawyer
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”