Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
You Might Also Like
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee