@trumpetcake

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

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@theyearofelan

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

@GrumpyComments

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

@sarahclazarus

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

@hoverbird

Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@JohnHilsen

The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@KalvinMacleod

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

@_stylr

paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy

@ThePocketJustin

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me