HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter