Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
be careful
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If snakes were wide
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting