Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.