Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
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ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
This classic never gets old . . .
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere