Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?