I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else’s
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.