“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
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When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Two types of dogs.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.