So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
You Might Also Like
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Oh my god
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect