Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.


NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers


my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min


If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.


The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.


WARNING: There isn’t nearly as much beer in the wilderness as Coors commercials lead one to believe.


I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.


Quit bragging yo. Jesus drove a Honda back in Bible days and said nothing of it.

“For I speak not of my own accord” John 12:49 a.


First Child: I won’t bribe my kid with food, it’s unhealthy

Third Child: If you put your underwear on I’ll buy you ice cream