the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Google assistant rules
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.