the 1800s were crazy. every household product contained cocaine, arsenic or morphine. everyone was so zonked on normal over the counter pharmacy medicine that romantic poets could just write like “oh to be a rose” and everyone was like “wow…wow.. i never thought of that before”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
me: wow its pretty
gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful
me: haha what lol
gf: we need to talk
*girl at the end of the bar winks at me
*I wink back
*she pouts at me
*I pout back
Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!