@robdelaney

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

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@Merman_Melville

the 1800s were crazy. every household product contained cocaine, arsenic or morphine. everyone was so zonked on normal over the counter pharmacy medicine that romantic poets could just write like “oh to be a rose” and everyone was like “wow…wow.. i never thought of that before”

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@ValeeGrrl

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

@caithuls

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@leakypod

[watching sunset]

me: wow its pretty

gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful

me: haha what lol

gf: we need to talk

@drinksmcgee

*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!