Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”