Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: I’m a mature adult
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